What Do You Crave?

What do you crave? That is a very broad question but if you give yourself 5 seconds, tops, to think about it, something should come to mind. I know what I crave..

This post is to remind you to tap into your old self every now and then and see what you’ve learned.

 

What my past self would have said in 2010:

“I haven’t always been the most popular person, especially in high school. It doesn’t bother me though because I have been trying to figure out who I am and I don’t care that people know that (I’m lying I don’t even know who I am and I care too much about what other people think). I have about four friends I really care about but even then I feel so alone at times, and it’s been like that on and off. Believe it or not though, I feel a sort of peace in this loneliness because I don’t have to worry about anything or anyone. I am a recluse but at times I don’t want to hangout with anyone, I just want to be alone with myself. I have lost people, I have been through more heartbreaks than anyone should go through. I’ve lost friends, relationships, family. Loss sucks and it makes life harder to endure. Honestly, part of the reason I take things so hard is because I throw my entire being into people when I really care for them; friend, boyfriend, doesn’t matter. I just do. That’s who I am. So to avoid the pain of that loss, to prevent myself from feeling what I have in the past, I seclude myself.  I do nothing therefore I achieve nothing. I refuse to put myself out into the world. I’m keeping myself at a standstill because I crave the security I’ve found in being alone and there is something addicting in the comfort of knowing that there is no one there for me to lose because I’ve cut myself off from everyone. So I crave loneliness”

What I have taken away from my past self:

“All you need is balance: too much socialization and you lose who you are to become who people want you to be, too little socialization and you’ve lost everyone you care about. I realized life includes loss, and loss is painful, but in my experience — it is better to go through something with the people you love than to go through something and be truly alone. You can take breaks from people, but let them be just that, breaks. Come back to the real world, pull yourself out of the comfort of your loneliness where you can see your way back into the people and places, the experiences and the moments that bring you happiness and make you happy to be alive, that make you happy to be human and cause you to wonder how you got so lucky. Allow yourself to fall, build resistance to the pain and the fear of that pain so that it never hinders you from experiencing the best life has to offer, and let it grow you and strengthen you into the best parts of everyone you surround yourself with because at the end of the day that is how we get by, not by being alone but by being the best parts of everyone who loves us, taking little pieces of light from theirselves that they have shared with us and creating ourselves from it to get us through the darkness. Everyone you meet has contributed something to you enough to mold you into who you are today, some did it by hurting you, some by showing you love, but both serve the purpose of making you stronger.

So do you want to know what I crave? Peace. Inner peace with myself and those around me, enough peace to know that I can go on a social hiatus to find the parts of myself I may have lost or have not yet found, and know that when I come back, the people I left behind will be there waiting to help me piece what I’ve learned about myself back together.”

Best Regards,

Bombshell Boyfriend.

You think you need them, but you don’t

If you’re in a toxic relationship, this one’s for you. Recently I got asked a question from one of you, I won’t say who but you inspired this post so I’m going to pour my entire heart and soul into answering it for you.

It’s never easy you know, knowing in the back of your mind that you NEED to do something but wanting to do the opposite. It’s the war on our heart brought on by our mind. I have been there a few times. And do you want to know how I got out of it? How I brought my mind and my heart to come to peace with one another?

You know he’s bad for you. Or you know she’s bad for you. Whatever the case for you.. it’s time to start thinking about yourself. Use your head for a second and ask yourself these questions: what if my mom, brother, sister, best friend, dad, aunt (whoever you know truly loves you) –knew I was in this kind of relationship? Would they be happy for me? ARE they happy for me? Would they one hundred percent support this?  More importantly, would I want this for them?

If the answer to that last question is no, use that as your motivation and let your strength come from that. Lean on your family, your friends, God– if you so choose. Leave the situation behind, think about your life for a minute or a few minutes.. Think a little further down the line, if you stayed in this relationship can you truly see yourself being happy a year from now, five years from now, forever? Do you stay because you’re happy or because you’re comfortable? There’s such a huge difference in the two. One is temporary and vulnerable to break within a second, because comfortable only lasts as long as they care for you, as long as they’re true to you, as long as you have what you have now but what happens when the relationship becomes too toxic: abuse; mentally, physically even: You DON’T want that for yourself trust me. Happiness comes from someone who loves you and if you can recognize that you’re in a toxic relationship then why would you stay.. you wouldn’t stay in a car if you knew it was about to crash would you? So why would you stay in a relationship you know won’t make you happy? No amount of temporary comfort is worth your happiness. You think you need him? Or that you need her? But you don’t. It’s just something you tell yourself to keep yourself comfortable. You only need to love yourself enough to let go of them. If they stop putting you first, try to control you, or anything that isn’t love, their love is inadequate and you can love yourself better than they can.

I brought my heart to terms with my mind by awakening inside of myself what no one else could ever take away from me; the protective instincts I have over those I love, and I turned myself into one of those people, someone I love; I started to work on me, doing things I loved, I literally ripped myself out of my comfort zone, I up and moved, there were nights I just wanted to go back home and give up. My situation was just having to deal with moving on from someone who cheated on me, but it’s scary because I have witnessed abusive relationships both mentally and physically and I can’t imagine. So do me a favor.. no, better yet do yourSELF a favor.. find a way to fall in love with yourself and your life. Turn yourself into a person your loved ones would be proud of and when that happens, I promise you that the light inside of you, your beacon.. it’ll call out to the person who will treat you right, who will love you unconditionally like you will one day do in return for them. Keep this in the back of your mind and let it be the hope you hang on to when you think of breaking down because better things are coming.

Best Regards,

Bombshell Boyfriend.

 

“Hope is the only thing stronger than fear.” -The Hunger Games: Catching Fire

Your time will come.

Everyone has something about them that they struggle with. Some people have issues with their weight, some people with their quirky personalities; they just don’t seem to fit in.

When I was in high school, I had this friend and at the time I was only beginning to understand the part of myself that I would struggle with for the next several years and still do some days, not because I don’t accept myself or love myself, because I definitely do (now), but because being different in the way that I am different makes it hard to get close to people.

People are so opinionated which is fine because there are people that can have completely opposite views as compared to yours and still be completely cool with you, but there are those that are too stuck in the ways they feel about a particular subject to ever be at peace with someone they feel betrays those beliefs. For me it’s been homosexuality, thats what I’ve struggled with, being shunned by people I thought cared, for nothing more than loving the same sex. It makes it hard to get close to anyone or to want to get close to anyone, close in the way that friends should be able to, talking about relationships, issues, life, problems, concerns, joys, happiness, milestones, etc. Plainly stated: it hurts.

If I’ve learned one thing, it’s that when you finally get ready to share a part of yourself with someone you care for (as a friend/best-friend), no matter how many times you mentally prepare yourself saying, “they either accept you or they don’t”; the loss of someone who you thought actually cared about you more than the differences you have, well it never hurts any less and I’ve lost good friends because of this. It’s not something about myself that I can change, not over time, not ever. It’s not like losing weight, you can’t just drop it. You don’t choose who you love, and being attracted to the same sex is no exception to that.

Every experience with this, however awful, has made me stronger and more resilient; I can bounce back faster than most. I still care too much and I still fear that people, at the end of the day, will want to change who I am or will choose to remove themselves from my life, but I’m not afraid to be myself anymore. There comes a time in your life when you become truly comfortable in your own skin, so much so that you stop trying to hide certain parts of you.. and you just hope that the people who care about you, will care enough not to let those differences drive you apart and that someday they may even love you because of them, those attributes about you that make you “you” down to your very soul. Everyone wants to feel that kind of love and acceptance. If that time for you hasn’t come yet don’t worry, I’m here to let you know that it will, your time will come; I promise. Until then, learn to love yourself; that’s a power no one can take from you.

 

Best Regards,

Bombshell Boyfriend

 

 

Fraternity Initiation Weekend

I’m late on this because it happened last weekend but here goes..

Okay, so last semester I had to drop the fraternity and some of you know this and some of you don’t, but you can read some about it in my blog post  here. Anyway this semester I moved closer and am learning to better manage my time so I thought I would rejoin after a few of the guys reached out to me. THEN, It finally happened!! (initiation weekend for the chapter I’m apart of at my university). So we all get to call ourselves “Founding Fathers”.

For obvious reasons (scared information that needs to be kept within the fraternity) I really can’t say much in detail about how our weekend went down but let me just tell y’all three simple words: SO. FUCKING. HAPPY.

There are some things I can say: We spent time together, we got to meet the president and a few alumni who are just so down to earth and genuine it’s ridiculously amazing and inviting. The chapter I’m in prides itself on not participating in hazing not only because it’s illegal but because it is hurtful and degrading to a person and I really love that about the fraternity I’m apart of. We believe in holding each other accountable but also reinforcing one another’s strengths and weaknesses. It’s like after our weekend spent together there was an instant bond that we all had because of this experience we shared.Not to mention our president told us some crazy story but I still don’t know all of my “brothers” as well as I’d like. Today I opened up and it felt good to be honest. I feel like I’ve been really open to friendships from all of them however I know it’ll take some time but I hope I can go from calling them “brothers” to calling them brothers.. STILL,  Proud to be a Phi Delt and definitely can’t wait to see what the future holds with meeting guys from other chapters, alumni, and building lifelong relationships. It just feels damn good to be apart of something.

Best Regards,

Bombshell Boyfriend

It’s for you..

If there’s someone you’ve been holding onto, this post is for you..

Recently I “lost” someone, if you can call it that– It was for the best. I lost this person over something that should never have come between us but it happened and I have no regrets about it. It got me thinking about how I have always been the type of person that has historically had a hard time letting people go: Boyfriends, Best friends or “Best friends”, people in general, and like most of us I have been put in a position where letting go was my only choice, I wasn’t given any other option. For every person who has left my life there has been a long and hard fight for them on my behalf that accompanied it. I fought for those friendships/relationships.. regardless of who was right or wrong in whatever it was that led us down separate paths. Each time I lost one of them, the sudden change of living my life without someone that was apart of my life for awhile always weighed on me after because I carried the memories of them and the time we spent together long after those people chose to leave my life. I tell you this so you can better understand what I’m going to say.

As you’ve probably gathered, I am relentless in everything I do. I fight for people even when they no longer give me a reason to; Everyone has their limits though. For me, I will cling to the last straw of hope, I will sacrifice many things including my pride to hold onto someone, I hold on until the respect I have for myself becomes the thing I have to sacrifice. I will never beg for anyone to stay in my life; Thats my limit.

I understand that there are reasons why people cut others off and I’m sure the reasons are just as good as any; some of the experiences that led me to cut people out of my life are that I wasn’t made a priority, my effort wasn’t valued, my trust was betrayed in some way, or they were just bad for me. Whatever your reason, if you feel that someone needs to be removed from your life by all means do it because you’re probably right (I’ve learned you should always follow your gut).

HOWEVER, one thing I don’t do is treat people any less courteous than I want to be treated. There’s an art to cutting people off and it doesn’t include treating them like less than any human should be treated. Some people take it too far. What brings me to this topic though is that I hear and see so many people, in person but especially on social media, talking about how they like to cut people off, how they feel that it makes them a “savage”. Let me tell you my opinion on that.. It doesn’t. Cutting someone off should be a last resort.

People treat you how they treat you to begin with but if you never try to reason with them or explain how you feel about how they are treating you, cutting them off isn’t the next step. People are so afraid to talk things out. I get it, trust me, not everyone will listen, not everyone will respect your boundaries and if you come across one of those people, you let them go; I support that. But don’t do it for pride. Don’t do it to be spiteful. If you do it for the wrong reasons you’re giving them the satisfaction of being the type of person they expected you to be. The kind that leaves when it gets tough or turns nasty when the relationship has ended. Don’t live down to that expectation. See I want to be the kind of person that gives chances (but not more than what is deserved) and I want to be the kind of person that holds their faith in humanity even after all the bad I have seen. People can be good and they deserve to be held onto, but when hanging onto the person brings grief and grudges along with the memories, when someones name tastes bitter in your mouth, it’s time to let go but understand this:

It’s not for the other person. It’s for you..

Best Regards,

Bombshell Boyfriend.

2017, Finding my Balance.

First of all, I hope everyone did something fantastic to bring in their New Year.. I played board games with my best friends. It was a chill night for me, which got me thinking about what I want for myself in 2017 and led us to this blog post.

So every year I set resolutions and I’m sure all of you do as well. The year before last, 2015, my resolution was to work out regularly, did I? I did.. for about 9 months, then life got busy for me, I couldn’t go everyday so I stopped going altogether. I’ve also always been a mess about organization, so then in 2016 I was really avid about planning ahead and being prepared. It worked for about 3 months. I fell off the train for a week and never cared to jump back on.

Now we’ve reached 2017, I have realized that the best way to stay true to my goals is to find the root issue in my commitment to the resolutions I’ve set for myself; Balance, or lack thereof. And giving up when I see none. (Remember this last sentence. It’s important)

I’ve always been the type of person that leans towards one extreme or another. I’m the type of person that if I can’t go to the gym everyday, I won’t go at all. Same with studying, watching a tv show, or reading a book. If I can’t commit to something regularly and I fall off schedule just once, I just say whatever and stop caring about it. I’m an all or nothing type person in the most extreme way. Sometimes I take life too seriously and I know I need to work on that. I need to find balance.

2016 was really good about throwing off my balance– knocking me down, and giving me time to pick myself back up. Without the falling down we can’t enjoy the climb back up. Each one compliments the other.

Life is a constant tug of war between balance and imbalance, it’s a big chaotic mess but that’s okay. There will be weeks you stick to the choices you feel provide your life with balance and there will be days you crave to let go, live outside of your controlling nature, and just go with the flow. I hope you know that those days will be some of the best days of your life and that this helps you realize what I have; Nothing is perfect. Nothing will ever be perfect. I realized in 2016 that balance IS falling off the train and finding the motivation to get back on. I realized that balance is imbalance. But the balance you seek has always been there. It’s there between the moments you feel put together and the moments you don’t, and when you open your eyes and see that, that’s more than enough. I guess what I’m trying to say is don’t try so hard to look for your balance, it’s already there.

Best regards,

Bombshell Boyfriend.