A letter to my 17 Year Old Self…

It’s 2018, that means new year, new me. Right? Not so much, but that isn’t necessarily a bad thing.. I just want to become successful.

“Success means being satisfied with what you do every day. Its being proud of the better person you are becoming.” – Dwayne Wade

I have learned so much over the past few years, I’ve learned about all kinds of love. I’ve learned about intentions and the significance of the differences in the actions of people as compared to their words. Time travel doesn’t exist but if there were some way to deliver a letter to my 17 year old self, here’s what I would say:

Hey Angel,  you hate that name right now, but give it a few years and it’ll become your greatest power. It’s how you’ll reinvent yourself when a fresh start is what you need. You’re so young (about 17 and a half right now), you’re about to have your heart broken, you’re not at the best place in life right now but at least you aren’t depressed anymore. I wish I could say that the shitty high-school experiences you just went through are the worst it’ll ever be for you, but they aren’t. Things get worse.. at least for a while they will, try not to be too grim about it though. You’ll figure everything out. You’ll love and you’ll have your heart broken three more times, one of which will have been worth it. You’ll learn that people don’t mean everything they say but trust your instincts, they’ve never let us down. You’ll go through the most traumatizing, awful experiences of your life, but they’ll be what grows us to become incredibly resilient. The kind heart and compassion that the people in our life have shown us to have for others will play a key part in our healing. Help people when you’re sad, do that and in return, it’ll help you. This will happen between who you are at 17 and who we’ve grown to be. Who do we grow to be exactly? Well not to brag but we’ve built a voice for us that conveys power through our words. We’ve helped some of the kindest people through the hardest times in their life. We get really good at advice but we still inherently suck at taking it. We get closer to our loved ones and see the importance of a good support system. We aren’t perfect though. We’ve done things we would be judged for but no one regrets those things more than us. We learn from those things and that’s what’s important. We learn compassion, and open-mindedness, we learn to be empathetic of others, we learn about forgiveness, we grow and continue to grow still. Keep your head up. We have one body, and we were given but one soul..  and the experiences we’ve been through have paved the way for us to love that one body and one soul. Oh ya! We finally decided to go by Angel, I’ll tell you why but that’s for another time.  You don’t love you yet, but I love you, God loves you, and your family and friends love you. Always remember that. See you soon.

We live and we learn but more than either of those combined, we adapt. To the weather, to the actions and reactions of each person we interact and have relationships with, to stomach turning, heart-wrenching situations.. we adapt in order to survive but when that becomes routinely second nature— we adapt to improve. That’s all I ever hope for out of this new year and the New Years to come: to retain the lessons I’ve learned in the years prior and to build upon them & remain humble. Here’s to a better you and a better me, in 2018.

Best Regards,



To be seen.

This, out of everything I’ve ever written, is probably the hardest thing I have ever shared. No one is forcing me to; However, it’s something that I feel like I need to put out there.

I’ve been invisible for most of my life. Disclaimer— It’s about to get deep so if you’re not prepared to know me yet, you’re welcome to stop reading now. Go back to your Netflix, Snapchat story, or daily social media stalking. Really, it’s cool. And enjoy your night. ❤

Otherwise, keep scrolling..

If you’re still here, let’s get to it,

I have been scared to show myself, not because I am not comfortable with who I am, but because I never know how much people want to see.  I think there are levels to getting to know people and the speed at which people get to know each other, varies. In one instance, I sat with a girl at the edge of a lake, it was around 11pm. She became my best friend literally over night. I shared secrets with her, and she did the same. We grew to love each other deeply and it didn’t take long because the experiences from our pasts we had endured brought us closer together. Then.. There was a guy, he was my first real friend. I met him at about the age of 11. It took him 12 years to finally tell me that he cared about me all throughout a time I needed someone and thought I had no one. In a way I didn’t have anyone (friend wise), because I was made to believe he didn’t care and he let me believe it. He admitted that he pushed me away because he was worried as to how that relationship would look to people on the outside. Some people I can show myself to immediately, but I’ve learned that others are more reluctant to take off their masks.

See, sometimes when you’re a little different, people treat you a little different. I think it’s mainly because they still have much to learn about the world and one of those things is that the world is infinite and vast. There is one universe, but several galaxies. There are things out there that matter more than what someone who doesn’t know the first thing about you, thinks about you. They don’t notice that YOU notice how different they treat you. They deny you the chance to know them, or they don’t care to get to know you. They’ll see one side but refuse to dig further, into the depths of your soul that is lying there, waiting to be found.

Each person is like the universe, because within that same person there are several galaxies. I see the bigger picture now and don’t get me wrong because I still care what people think, but mostly now it’s only those who have chosen to see me, that I allow to shape a little bit on how I feel and it’s how they use the power I have give them that determines who gets to stay. There were some things I had to experience first to reach that level, which is why I had to share the story about the two types of people I have experienced, so that you could better understand why writing this was so important to me.

If you’re going to come into my life whether by chance or by choice,  you’re welcome to stay. Be prepared for me to show you who I am because I’m in my 20’s and finally, I just want to be seen. If I show you parts of me that you’ve never seen before and you want more, ask, or share yourself and I’ll share back. If you’re scared to see who I am, I can help you move past that fear. Like with any other fear, it just takes time. Getting to know people is a scary thing because with that comes opening up some of yourself, and with that comes the possibility of hurt, sometimes disappointment, but there is also a rare beauty in honesty, in seeing who someone really is when no one else is watching. It feels like at the end of the day, when you’re really tired, exhausted like never before, you hop into the shower after a stressful day, and all of your problems melt away for the night, so you lay in your bed, on fresh clean sheets, in a cold room, with fluffy blankets and perfectly sized pillows, listening to your favorite music playlist. That’s kinda what it feels like to not have to hide yourself from someone significant to your life.

Unravelling someone is a messy but beautiful experience. It’s the road you take to get to their soul that truly matters. Trust, stories, secrets, mischief, memories, experiences, laughter, crying (hopefully happy as well as sad), hugs, lots of hugs.. and, of course, love, are some of the things you will encounter on this road. That’s what makes life worth it.. the love you have for the people you have seen along the way. They are the scenery that takes your breath away on your path home. They are the landscapes, the sunset, the cotton field, the night sky, and the light in the world. To be seen is to be alive. It’s to feel significant and that’s all anyone wants— to just.. matter. It has taken me a tremendous amount of courage to show you a small part of me but.. I hope to find people that I can unapologetically be myself with as well as give them that same gift, of being seen without judgement. So, when you’re ready for more, I invite you to take on the journey that is knowing me.

Best Regards,

Bombshell Boyfriend


..but you can call me, Angel.

Fraternity Initiation Weekend

I’m late on this because it happened last weekend but here goes..

Okay, so last semester I had to drop the fraternity and some of you know this and some of you don’t. Anyway this semester I moved closer and am learning to better manage my time so I thought I would rejoin after a few of the guys reached out to me. THEN, It finally happened!! (initiation weekend for the chapter I’m apart of at my university). So we all get to call ourselves “Founding Fathers”.

For obvious reasons (scared information that needs to be kept within the fraternity) I really can’t say much in detail about how our weekend went down but let me just tell y’all three simple words: SO. FUCKING. HAPPY.

There are some things I can say: We spent time together, we got to meet the president and a few alumni who are just so down to earth and genuine it’s ridiculously amazing and inviting. The chapter I’m in prides itself on not participating in hazing not only because it’s illegal but because it is hurtful and degrading to a person and I really love that about the fraternity I’m apart of. We believe in holding each other accountable but also reinforcing one another’s strengths and weaknesses. It’s like after our weekend spent together there was an instant bond that we all had because of this experience we shared. Not to mention our president told us some crazy story but I still don’t know all of my “brothers” as well as I’d like. Today I opened up and it felt good to be honest. I feel like I’ve been really open to friendships from all of them however I know it’ll take some time but I hope I can go from calling them “brothers” to calling them brothers.. STILL,  Proud to be a Phi Delt and definitely can’t wait to see what the future holds with meeting guys from other chapters, alumni, and building lifelong relationships. It just feels damn good to be apart of something.

Best Regards,

Bombshell Boyfriend

Doubt? I don’t know him anymore.

Doubt is just a word, but it wasn’t always.. at one point it was a word that dominated my life.

Like most people I’ve been through a stage in my life where I wasn’t at all aware of what I was worth, what I am worth, and really– what I’ve always been worth. Social skills or the lack thereof, feeling unworthy, not having accomplished anything of significance and my appearance, all of those were contributing factors to the weak point in my life claimed by “doubt”. I had no self confidence whatsoever. I didn’t know then what I know now. There’s no use dwelling on the past though, it’s the past for a reason and in order to keep succeeding we must always look forward, not backward. I love myself.. but I didn’t always.

Here are some steps that helped me to value myself:

Step 1: Take a solid fifteen minutes. Write down what about your life bothers you, write down what you’re unhappy with and write down what you can do to to change those things or alter them to be happy. For me, I wanted to stop feeling sorry for myself about things that happened to me or things that didn’t happen for me, I wanted to get my body back into shape, I wanted to be better financially, and I wanted to excel in my classes– Simply put I wanted happiness and these are the places I chose to start.

Step 2: Follow through with lesson 1. Make that list and start knocking things off. For the self pity part, I had to realize that being knocked down is a part of life we and it is something we have no control over, but we do have a choice in suffering and allowing the suffering to continue. It is by no means an overnight thing. I started by getting myself a gym membership. It began with two nights a week and within a month I was up to six nights a week, go at your own pace though. With whatever your objective is. The key is consistency, do not overwhelm yourself so much that you give up. With the financial aspect, I just stopped shopping every weekend and I set a goal for myself. Tough when you have a taste for expensive things, however very do-able. You compromise with yourself. Finally, with my school objectives, I started to study a little more each night: fifteen to thirty minutes, twice a week– I got a 4.0 that semester because of that small difference.

Step 3: Once you’ve committed to some “me time” consistently, it becomes apart of your lifestyle, doing what you love is the key to happiness. I know it’s such a cliche but it’s the truth. So let’s continue because by this point you should, if nothing else feel better about yourself for accomplishing what you set out to do and let me say that THAT alone will take you to the next level of self love; When you show yourself that you can achieve anything by committing to it, you unlock this entire world of possibility and had it not been for a good friend telling me that I controlled my emotions, and that the way I allowed people to make me feel was only because I allowed it, I would have never allowed myself to step into the mindset that I now carry with me everywhere I go. It’s because of this that I like to think of “Doubt” as the old me, the one who didn’t believe in himself, and I’m happy to say, I don’t know him anymore.

I truly hope you take what I’m about to say to heart because it is coming from me, the “me” that believed I would never amount to anything because of the doubt that a few people had about me and then I realized that out of all the people doubting me, I was the only one who’s mind I had to change. You are capable of everything you set your mind to.

Best Regards,

Bombshell Boyfriend