To be seen.

This, out of everything I’ve ever written, is probably the hardest thing I have ever shared. No one is forcing me to; However, it’s something that I feel like I need to put out there.

I’ve been invisible for most of my life. Disclaimer— It’s about to get deep so if you’re not prepared to know me yet, you’re welcome to stop reading now. Go back to your Netflix, Snapchat story, or daily social media stalking. Really, it’s cool. And enjoy your night. ❤

Otherwise, keep scrolling..

If you’re still here, let’s get to it,

I have been scared to show myself, not because I am not comfortable with who I am, but because I never know how much people want to see.  I think there are levels to getting to know people and the speed at which people get to know each other, varies. In one instance, I sat with a girl at the edge of a lake, it was around 11pm. She became my best friend literally over night. I shared secrets with her, and she did the same. We grew to love each other deeply and it didn’t take long because the experiences from our pasts we had endured brought us closer together. Then.. There was a guy, he was my first real friend. I met him at about the age of 11. It took him 12 years to finally tell me that he cared about me all throughout a time I needed someone and thought I had no one. In a way I didn’t have anyone (friend wise), because I was made to believe he didn’t care and he let me believe it. He admitted that he pushed me away because he was worried as to how that relationship would look to people on the outside. Some people I can show myself to immediately, but I’ve learned that others are more reluctant to take off their masks.

See, sometimes when you’re a little different, people think it’s okay to treat you a little different. I think it’s mainly because they still have much to learn about the world and one of those things is that the world is infinite and vast. There is one universe, but several galaxies. There are things out there that matter more than what someone who doesn’t know the first thing about you, thinks about you. They don’t notice that YOU notice how different they treat you. They deny you the chance to know them, or they don’t care to get to know you. They’ll see one side but refuse to dig further, into the depths of your soul that is lying there, waiting to be found.

Each person is like the universe, because within that same person there are several galaxies. I see the bigger picture now and don’t get me wrong because I still care what people think, but mostly now it’s only those who have chosen to see me, that I allow to shape a little bit on how I feel and it’s how they use the power I have give them that determines who gets to stay. There were some things I had to experience first to reach that level, which is why I had to share the story about the two types of people I have experienced, so that you could better understand why writing this was so important to me.

If you’re going to come into my life whether by chance or by choice,  you’re welcome to stay. Be prepared for me to show you who I am because I’m in my 20’s and finally, I just want to be seen. If I show you parts of me that you’ve never seen before and you want more, ask, or share yourself and I’ll share back. If you’re scared to see who I am, I can help you move past that fear. Like with any other fear, it just takes time. Getting to know people is a scary thing because with that comes opening up some of yourself, and with that comes the possibility of hurt, sometimes disappointment, but there is also a rare beauty in honesty, in seeing who someone really is when no one else is watching. It feels like at the end of the day, when you’re really tired, exhausted like never before, you hop into the shower after a stressful day, and all of your problems melt away for the night, so you lay in your bed, on fresh clean sheets, in a cold room, with fluffy blankets and perfectly sized pillows, listening to your favorite playlist. That’s what it feels like to not have to hide yourself from someone.

Unravelling someone is a messy but beautiful experience. It’s the road you take to get to their soul that truly matters. Trust, stories, secrets, mischief, memories, experiences, laughter, crying (hopefully happy as well as sad), hugs, lots of hugs.. and, of course, love, are some of the things you will encounter on this road. That’s what makes life worth it.. the love you have for the people you have seen along the way. They are the scenery that takes your breath away on your path home. They are the landscapes, the sunset, the cotton field, the night sky, and the light in the world. To be seen is to be alive. It’s to feel significant and that’s all anyone wants— to just.. matter. It has taken me a tremendous amount of courage to show you a small part of me but.. I hope to find people that I can unapologetically be myself with as well as give them that same gift, of being seen without judgement. So, when you’re ready for more, I invite you to take on the journey that is knowing me.

Best Regards,

Bombshell Boyfriend

 

..but you can call me, Angel.

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A lesson learned.

The sun hit my face just right. The breeze was light on a warm summer day. I was on the driveway, sitting down on the pavement and my eyes looked a honey kind of brown in the picture I had just taken— I was 19. I heard the phone ring. I picked up as usual. It was him; He answered in a voice that sounded timid, shy almost, I could tell he was struggling to tell me what he told me next. He told me he loved me for the first time…

Not even a minute later, he told me he might’ve cheated when he was out with his friends the night before.

What hurt the most wasn’t that he told me he might’ve cheated— it’s that he let me say “I love you” back to him before telling me. I don’t blame him. I put myself in his situation and I understood. Through his point-of-view, that might’ve been the first and last time he’d ever hear me say it. He didn’t know how I would react. After all, we had only known each other for a month and a half. I could’ve ended it then. Who knows? Maybe I did.

Someone once told me it isn’t the quantity of time you spend with a person that determines what they should mean to you or how you should prioritize them in your life, it’s the quality of the time spent. I never thought I could love someone so much until I gave myself the chance to know him. Not many people would have forgiven something like that ever, let alone within the same few minutes, but that’s exactly what I did. I asked myself one question, in silence, “Do you love him?”. “Yes”, I said to myself. So, I made a surprisingly easy decision. It’s been over for awhile, but our relationship is still the best one I’ve had to this day.

Because I allowed myself to forgive someone I loved, someone I will always love a little bit in the depths of my heart, I got to enjoy 11 months of happiness. There were never any arguments that followed that. No lies between us, because of how forgiving I was that one time, he always told me the truth.  He was thousands of miles away but I’ve never felt more close to anyone than I did to him.

The day I forgave him is the day I learned to forgive people sooner rather than later. Time passes and the longer you dwell on something, the longer you allow it to take away from the time you could spend being happy, fixing the issue, or working on your inner peace. You might be thinking, “not everyone deserves it” and you would be correct. Not everyone does, not everyone is sincere when asking for forgiveness, and still.. others will never ask for it. That’s the hardest one, when they don’t ask but it’s still there, weighing on you. Who are we to deny someone something that we one day hope to receive? We have all sinned. It is for that reason I do not judge and I try my best not to deny someone forgiveness. Your life will become better for it.  However someone has wronged you, forgive them. It’ll be the best thing you ever do in both possible scenarios. Either they change or they don’t and you can fight for them, or let them go accordingly. Just remember— forgiveness is a gift you give someone, but the freedom it brings you will give you back so much more.

Allow yourself to live without the burden of hating someone.

Yours always,

Bombshell Boyfriend.

“I see the best in people..”

So the other day someone asked me, “what do you think are your best and worst qualities?”. My answer was the same for both..

Those who really know me would say that I’m non-judgemental and that’s true. I like to look at the best in every situation but let me go further into detail because if I don’t several of you will misconstrue that and say that I’m naive but thats not the case because while I do see the best in people, I also see the worst. I just weigh one with the other and if the good outweighs the bad, then to me, that makes the good I do see in someone worth fighting for. I am the kind of person that likes to see the world for what it can be, not for what it is. I do the same with people; I see them for who they can be not for who they are. I really believe I’m not the only one who thinks this way either. This can be both so positive and constructive, yet can also cause so much self-destruction. The difference is the amount of control we have over this quality of ours. (I’m talking to you, because chances are if you’re still reading this, we are the same in this way).

It starts off with someone else, usually someone who means something to you because if they didn’t then you wouldn’t give them a chance in the first place. Some of the most common situations that happen are: they blow you off when you had plans, they misguide your trust and use it to gossip about you in some way –for example trusting someone with something and they turn around and go tell someone else, or maybe they only start showing up to your plans when they need a favor.  These all snowball into bigger issues later. Being blown off by this person becomes something you get used to. You gossip about them to feel better about them doing it to you and tell yourself that that is a normal friendship. Finally, they use you and do so until you realize whats happening and at this point it probably hasn’t been a friendship for awhile or.. it never was.

Let me clarify a few things: when I say “blow you off” I don’t mean that they let you know your plans are going to have to be rescheduled because real friends do that, when I say “they will misguide your trust” I mean they will take the most personal situations and manipulate them to humiliate you, and when I say “they use you” I don’t mean you helping a friend in need because all of us SHOULD do that. I’m talking about when they abuse you and never give back so much as a listening ear in exchange when you need a friend.

So my answer to the question was, “I see the best in people”, that is my best and worst quality. For the remainder of that conversation I flashed back to every person I believed in when everything said not to, and I thought about how they have come such a long way and have helped me grow alongside them and pushed me to better myself, and then I thought of those who exhausted my soul and only took from me to the point that if I didn’t drop them from my life, I would have nothing, I wouldn’t be this happy and I would not be fighting to give myself the fantastic life that I crave so much.

Be weary of this quality and don’t let others take advantage of you for it, if you possess it. But also remember to see the good in people and the good in the world because for what it’s worth. I have seen and experienced terrible things, and I have seen and experienced wonderful things and both have come from people I trusted and people I didn’t think I’d ever be able to trust in the first place, or trust again. And if you were to guess which experience came from which kind of person.. your answers would be so wrong. Always take a chance on someone because you might be the light that brings them out of the dark. For me those people were then and are still K.P. and Z.M. , my two very best friends.. They saw the best in me.

Best Regards,

Bombshell Boyfriend.

Inspired by conversations with @Mtmsky on Insta 💗

Fraternity Initiation Weekend

I’m late on this because it happened last weekend but here goes..

Okay, so last semester I had to drop the fraternity and some of you know this and some of you don’t, but you can read some about it in my blog post  here. Anyway this semester I moved closer and am learning to better manage my time so I thought I would rejoin after a few of the guys reached out to me. THEN, It finally happened!! (initiation weekend for the chapter I’m apart of at my university). So we all get to call ourselves “Founding Fathers”.

For obvious reasons (scared information that needs to be kept within the fraternity) I really can’t say much in detail about how our weekend went down but let me just tell y’all three simple words: SO. FUCKING. HAPPY.

There are some things I can say: We spent time together, we got to meet the president and a few alumni who are just so down to earth and genuine it’s ridiculously amazing and inviting. The chapter I’m in prides itself on not participating in hazing not only because it’s illegal but because it is hurtful and degrading to a person and I really love that about the fraternity I’m apart of. We believe in holding each other accountable but also reinforcing one another’s strengths and weaknesses. It’s like after our weekend spent together there was an instant bond that we all had because of this experience we shared.Not to mention our president told us some crazy story but I still don’t know all of my “brothers” as well as I’d like. Today I opened up and it felt good to be honest. I feel like I’ve been really open to friendships from all of them however I know it’ll take some time but I hope I can go from calling them “brothers” to calling them brothers.. STILL,  Proud to be a Phi Delt and definitely can’t wait to see what the future holds with meeting guys from other chapters, alumni, and building lifelong relationships. It just feels damn good to be apart of something.

Best Regards,

Bombshell Boyfriend

Doubt? I don’t know him anymore.

Doubt is just a word, but it wasn’t always.. at one point it was a word that dominated my life.

Like most people I’ve been through a stage in my life where I wasn’t at all aware of what I was worth, what I am worth, and really– what I’ve always been worth. Social skills or the lack thereof, feeling unworthy, not having accomplished anything of significance and my appearance, all of those were contributing factors to the weak point in my life claimed by “doubt”. I had no self confidence whatsoever. I didn’t know then what I know now. There’s no use dwelling on the past though, it’s the past for a reason and in order to keep succeeding we must always look forward, not backward. I love myself unconditionally.. but before that happened I’m going to share a few of the steps that brought me to this point.

Step 1: Take a solid fifteen minutes. Write down what about your life bothers you, write down what you’re unhappy with and write down what you can do to to change those things or alter them to be happy. For me, I wanted to stop feeling sorry for myself about things that happened to me or things that didn’t happen for me, I wanted to get my body back into shape, I wanted to be better financially, and I wanted to excel in my classes– Simply put I wanted happiness and these are the places I chose to start.

Step 2: Follow through with lesson 1. Make that list and start knocking things off. For the self pity part, I had to realize that being knocked down is a part of life we and it is something we have no control over, but we do have a choice in suffering and allowing the suffering to continue. It is by no means an overnight thing. I started by getting myself a gym membership. It began with two nights a week and within a month I was up to six nights a week, go at your own pace though. With whatever your objective is. The key is consistency, do not overwhelm yourself so much that you give up. with the financial aspect, I just stopped shopping every weekend and I set a goal for myself. Tough when you’re a shop-a-holic, however very do-able. Then, with my school objectives, I started to study a little more each night: fifteen to thirty minutes, twice a week– I got a 4.0 that semester because of that small difference.

Step 3: Once you’ve committed to some “me time” consistently it becomes apart of your lifestyle, doing what you love is the key to happiness. I know it’s such a cliche but it’s the truth. Deadass, and you won’t convince me otherwise. So let’s continue because by this point you should, if nothing else feel better about yourself for accomplishing what you set out to do and let me say that THAT alone will take you to the next level of self love; When you show yourself that you can achieve anything by committing to it, you unlock this entire world of possibility and had it not been for a good friend telling me that I controlled my emotions, and that the way I allowed people to make me feel was only because I allowed it, I would have never allowed myself to step into the mindset that I now carry with me everywhere I go and utilize in everything I do. It’s because of this that I like to think of “Doubt” as the old me, the one who didn’t believe in himself, and I’m happy to say, I don’t know him anymore.

I truly hope you take what I’m about to say to heart because it is coming from someone who believed he would never amount to anything because of the doubt that everyone had about him, and then he realized that out of all the people doubting him, he was the only one who’s mind he had to change; I was the only person who’s mind I had to change. You are capable of everything you set your mind to.

Best Regards,

Bombshell Boyfriend

 

2016 Fall semester recap

This post is about my first semester at University, but for you to fully grasp all of the amazing experiences I have had here, I first want to provide you with a little bit of background (side note: someone is eating something right now and judging by how it smells I am not even sure it should be allowed to be edible) anyway; I started Spring 2013 at a community college so I’ve been in school for three and a half years at this point.

My first year of community college I did really well and then I started to drop in productivity because I had to get a real job, I had to give up most of my social life. My second year, 2014, I just dragged through the school year giving about half the effort I did my first year, but still managed to do well. Fall of 2015 my grades weren’t what they should or could have been but that’s because I was really going through a lot and I let my grades slip, but I graduated from there in May of 2016 with a 2.7 (not great but at least I didn’t give up on school when I wanted to).

Fall 2016 I started with the mentality that I needed to not only pass, but do great and I wanted to be as involved as possible– not like at community college when I let the days all mold together, so routinely and disenchanting — I wanted to really immerse myself in college to the fullest, so I did. I joined the John Marshall Pre-Law Society, I pledged PDT and lived the fraternity life for a short while, which I chose to leave to focus on my grades. I was driving four hours a day six days a week to and from Dallas, working full time and taking ten hours, with maybe five hours of sleep a night– a very unideal situation for the life I was chasing after. Something had to give, I was less healthy, less rested, and I didn’t want my academic potential to suffer because of it. I ended the semester with a 3.78 and was accepted to the National Honor Society. It’s safe to say my prioritizing paid off. It was by far the best experience of my college career so far.

Now we are here at the beginning of 2017; doing better than ever, with so many positive things going on, I started this blog, my twitter is going strong, and I’m moving to Dallas in three weeks. Trust me you’ll be hearing about more and more of my life as the semester goes on, I have high hopes for this year and I can’t wait to see how I grow and how you all grow as well, please feel free to email me with any advice you may have anytime, I’m amazing at it..

Best Regards,

Bombshell Boyfriend