A letter to my 17 Year Old Self…

It’s 2018, that means new year, new me. Right? Not so much, but that isn’t necessarily a bad thing.. I just want to become successful.

“Success means being satisfied with what you do every day. Its being proud of the better person you are becoming.” – Dwayne Wade

I have learned so much over the past few years, I’ve learned about all kinds of love. I’ve learned about intentions and the significance of the differences in the actions of people as compared to their words. Time travel doesn’t exist but if there were some way to deliver a letter to my 17 year old self, here’s what I would say:


Hey Angel,  you hate that name right now, but give it a few years and it’ll become your greatest power. It’s how you’ll reinvent yourself when a fresh start is what you need. You’re so young (about 17 and a half right now), you’re about to have your heart broken, you’re not at the best place in life right now but at least you aren’t depressed anymore. I wish I could say that the shitty high-school experiences you just went through are the worst it’ll ever be for you, but they aren’t. Things get worse.. at least for a while they will, try not to be too grim about it though. You’ll figure everything out. You’ll love and you’ll have your heart broken three more times, one of which will have been worth it. You’ll learn that people don’t mean everything they say but trust your instincts, they’ve never let us down. You’ll go through the most traumatizing, awful experiences of your life, but they’ll be what grows us to become incredibly resilient. The kind heart and compassion that the people in our life have shown us to have for others will play a key part in our healing. Help people when you’re sad, do that and in return, it’ll help you. This will happen between who you are at 17 and who we’ve grown to be. Who do we grow to be exactly? Well not to brag but we’ve built a voice for us that conveys power through our words. We’ve helped some of the kindest people through the hardest times in their life. We get really good at advice but we still inherently suck at taking it. We get closer to our loved ones and see the importance of a good support system. We aren’t perfect though. We’ve done things we would be judged for but no one regrets those things more than us. We learn from those things and that’s what’s important. We learn compassion, and open-mindedness, we learn to be empathetic of others, we learn about forgiveness, we grow and continue to grow still. Keep your head up. We have one body, and we were given but one soul..  and the experiences we’ve been through have paved the way for us to love that one body and one soul. Oh ya! We finally decided to go by Angel, I’ll tell you why but that’s for another time.  You don’t love you yet, but I love you, God loves you, and your family and friends love you. Always remember that. See you soon.


We live and we learn but more than either of those combined, we adapt. To the weather, to the actions and reactions of each person we interact and have relationships with, to stomach turning, heart-wrenching situations.. we adapt in order to survive but when that becomes routinely second nature— we adapt to improve. That’s all I ever hope for out of this new year and the New Years to come: to retain the lessons I’ve learned in the years prior and to build upon them & remain humble. Here’s to a better you and a better me, in 2018.

Best Regards,

Angel.

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Give yourself more.

I waited around for the longest time for someone to come and give me happiness. It’s almost like I convinced myself that I needed someone else to breathe in the fresh air around me, that was before I knew what I know now.

I wanna say something for people who aren’t happy, you deserve more —but what is “more”? Maybe it’s just.. having something you’ve never been given ..like loyalty, faith, real friendship, alone time, late night walks and 2am talks. Maybe it’s beer on a Sunday night and pancakes for dinner. Maybe it’s somebody in your life that you admire, believing in you, trusting in you, rooting for you and in your dreams when no one else will. Maybe it’s feeling like you’re not alone, or being the person that lets others know they aren’t alone— like a sense of knowing you have someone in your corner at all times and giving that feeling to someone else. Be that person and give all of those things to yourself. Give yourself more until someone else is ready to compliment that responsibility— with you, but never for you.

These days, I still feel like something is missing, but less so. I found myself, that was the hardest part. I’m still finding myself, I’m still building myself up. I’m a work in progress and I have to remind myself everyday that who I am and who I want to become are worth believing in.

Someone will come, it may be sooner or later, it may be too late and I may have already missed my chance. We can never really know because the future is dark, not in a negative way but in the way that we can never really see what lies ahead. What we can do is love ourselves enough to know that we’ll survive either way. It’s tough to go through life feeling alone, so let’s hope there’s still someone out there for us both. I hope you find who you’re looking for, if you’re not sure who that is yet, start with yourself.

Best Regards,

Angel.

To be seen.

This, out of everything I’ve ever written, is probably the hardest thing I have ever shared. No one is forcing me to; However, it’s something that I feel like I need to put out there.

I’ve been invisible for most of my life. Disclaimer— It’s about to get deep so if you’re not prepared to know me yet, you’re welcome to stop reading now. Go back to your Netflix, Snapchat story, or daily social media stalking. Really, it’s cool. And enjoy your night. ❤

Otherwise, keep scrolling..

If you’re still here, let’s get to it,

I have been scared to show myself, not because I am not comfortable with who I am, but because I never know how much people want to see.  I think there are levels to getting to know people and the speed at which people get to know each other, varies. In one instance, I sat with a girl at the edge of a lake, it was around 11pm. She became my best friend literally over night. I shared secrets with her, and she did the same. We grew to love each other deeply and it didn’t take long because the experiences from our pasts we had endured brought us closer together. Then.. There was a guy, he was my first real friend. I met him at about the age of 11. It took him 12 years to finally tell me that he cared about me all throughout a time I needed someone and thought I had no one. In a way I didn’t have anyone (friend wise), because I was made to believe he didn’t care and he let me believe it. He admitted that he pushed me away because he was worried as to how that relationship would look to people on the outside. Some people I can show myself to immediately, but I’ve learned that others are more reluctant to take off their masks.

See, sometimes when you’re a little different, people treat you a little different. I think it’s mainly because they still have much to learn about the world and one of those things is that the world is infinite and vast. There is one universe, but several galaxies. There are things out there that matter more than what someone who doesn’t know the first thing about you, thinks about you. They don’t notice that YOU notice how different they treat you. They deny you the chance to know them, or they don’t care to get to know you. They’ll see one side but refuse to dig further, into the depths of your soul that is lying there, waiting to be found.

Each person is like the universe, because within that same person there are several galaxies. I see the bigger picture now and don’t get me wrong because I still care what people think, but mostly now it’s only those who have chosen to see me, that I allow to shape a little bit on how I feel and it’s how they use the power I have give them that determines who gets to stay. There were some things I had to experience first to reach that level, which is why I had to share the story about the two types of people I have experienced, so that you could better understand why writing this was so important to me.

If you’re going to come into my life whether by chance or by choice,  you’re welcome to stay. Be prepared for me to show you who I am because I’m in my 20’s and finally, I just want to be seen. If I show you parts of me that you’ve never seen before and you want more, ask, or share yourself and I’ll share back. If you’re scared to see who I am, I can help you move past that fear. Like with any other fear, it just takes time. Getting to know people is a scary thing because with that comes opening up some of yourself, and with that comes the possibility of hurt, sometimes disappointment, but there is also a rare beauty in honesty, in seeing who someone really is when no one else is watching. It feels like at the end of the day, when you’re really tired, exhausted like never before, you hop into the shower after a stressful day, and all of your problems melt away for the night, so you lay in your bed, on fresh clean sheets, in a cold room, with fluffy blankets and perfectly sized pillows, listening to your favorite music playlist. That’s kinda what it feels like to not have to hide yourself from someone significant to your life.

Unravelling someone is a messy but beautiful experience. It’s the road you take to get to their soul that truly matters. Trust, stories, secrets, mischief, memories, experiences, laughter, crying (hopefully happy as well as sad), hugs, lots of hugs.. and, of course, love, are some of the things you will encounter on this road. That’s what makes life worth it.. the love you have for the people you have seen along the way. They are the scenery that takes your breath away on your path home. They are the landscapes, the sunset, the cotton field, the night sky, and the light in the world. To be seen is to be alive. It’s to feel significant and that’s all anyone wants— to just.. matter. It has taken me a tremendous amount of courage to show you a small part of me but.. I hope to find people that I can unapologetically be myself with as well as give them that same gift, of being seen without judgement. So, when you’re ready for more, I invite you to take on the journey that is knowing me.

Best Regards,

Bombshell Boyfriend

 

..but you can call me, Angel.

You think you need them, but you don’t

If you’re in a toxic relationship, this one’s for you. Recently I got asked a question from one of you, I won’t say who but you inspired this post so I’m going to pour my entire heart and soul into answering it for you.

It’s never easy you know, knowing in the back of your mind that you NEED to do something but wanting to do the opposite. It’s the war on our heart brought on by our mind. I have been there a few times. And do you want to know how I got out of it? How I brought my mind and my heart to come to peace with one another?

You know he’s bad for you. Or you know she’s bad for you. Whatever the case for you.. it’s time to start thinking about yourself. Use your head for a second and ask yourself these questions: what if my mom, brother, sister, best friend, dad, aunt (whoever you know truly loves you) –knew I was in this kind of relationship? Would they be happy for me? ARE they happy for me? Would they one hundred percent support this?  More importantly, would I want this for them?

If the answer to that last question is no, use that as your motivation and let your strength come from that. Lean on your family, your friends, God– if you so choose. Leave the situation behind, think about your life for a minute or a few minutes.. Think a little further down the line, if you stayed in this relationship can you truly see yourself being happy a year from now, five years from now, forever? Do you stay because you’re happy or because you’re comfortable? There’s such a huge difference in the two. One is temporary and vulnerable to break within a second, because comfortable only lasts as long as they care for you, as long as they’re true to you, as long as you have what you have now but what happens when the relationship becomes too toxic: abuse; mentally, physically even: You DON’T want that for yourself trust me. Happiness comes from someone who loves you and if you can recognize that you’re in a toxic relationship then why would you stay.. you wouldn’t stay in a car if you knew it was about to crash would you? So why would you stay in a relationship you know won’t make you happy? No amount of temporary comfort is worth your happiness. You think you need him? Or that you need her? But you don’t. It’s just something you tell yourself to keep yourself comfortable. You only need to love yourself enough to let go of them. If they stop putting you first, try to control you, or anything that isn’t love, their love is inadequate and you can love yourself better than they can.

I brought my heart to terms with my mind by awakening inside of myself what no one else could ever take away from me; the protective instincts I have over those I love, and I turned myself into one of those people, someone I love; I started to work on me, doing things I loved, I literally ripped myself out of my comfort zone, I up and moved, there were nights I just wanted to go back home and give up. My situation was just having to deal with moving on from someone who cheated on me, but it’s scary because I have witnessed abusive relationships both mentally and physically and I can’t imagine. So do me a favor.. no, better yet do yourSELF a favor.. find a way to fall in love with yourself and your life. Turn yourself into a person your loved ones would be proud of and when that happens, I promise you that the light inside of you, your beacon.. it’ll call out to the person who will treat you right, who will love you unconditionally like you will one day do in return for them. Keep this in the back of your mind and let it be the hope you hang on to when you think of breaking down because better things are coming.

Best Regards,

Bombshell Boyfriend.

 

“Hope is the only thing stronger than fear.” -The Hunger Games: Catching Fire

Ocean soul

How would I describe Fire?  There’s something ancient about it.  When it flickers over the earth, it burns hot and destroys everything in it’s path, homes, memories, lives, but at the opposite end of the earth that same fire burning brings the nourishment to the earth that it needs to thrive again and still in other parts of the world it brings warmth into fire places in homes that need it to survive during brutal winters. Fire doesn’t know it burns hot, it just does and it’s up to the individual to know to keep their distance. It is pure and destructive, a beauty which is unequivocally unparalleled except by that which mirrors it; the ocean.

How would I describe the Ocean? Vast. Deep. Fluid enough to never be contained by man yet strong enough to transport armies, refugees, thousands of human lives on fleets of ships, while on the other side of the world, it is creating storms ferocious enough to rip apart those same fleets in the blink of an eye.

I don’t need anyone, I never have, but like the ocean my soul craves something, or maybe someone, to calm its storms. When I think of the ocean whose very depths harbor the lives of people who couldn’t withstand the storms, people who didn’t belong on its waters, I think of my soul again because the ocean is not unlike my soul that has tried to love people who didn’t belong there. There is something nurturing about it, yet something so destructive. It belongs to no one but those it allows inside. That is not for everyone to understand, yet those who do, they know that underneath the storms and the waves, there is a calmness, a beauty, and treasures waiting to be claimed. Somewhere along the way, waiting for the soul of the person seeking to find me, I lost myself.. and I started pushing people away much like the ocean, and it is for that reason I have an Ocean Soul.

The thing is, a really good friend once told me, “you can stay guarded and have walls up, but not so many that you can’t literally live your life”, she’s right because the metaphorical waves of protection I let keep out the bad are the same waves I use to keep out the good. They do not see good and they do not see evil. They keep everything out and if we seek to progress from what we think we know, we have to allow in everything because at the end of the day it isn’t protection we crave, it is feeling, it is loving and being loved in return, and knowing that if we do endure pain, we will be happy again despite it.

Best Regards,

Bombshell Boyfriend

Your time will come.

Everyone has something about them that they struggle with. Some people have issues with their weight, some people with their quirky personalities; they just don’t seem to fit in.

When I was in high school, I had this friend and at the time I was only beginning to understand the part of myself that I would struggle with for the next several years and still do some days, not because I don’t accept myself or love myself, because I definitely do (now), but because being different in the way that I am different makes it hard to get close to people.

People are so opinionated which is fine because there are people that can have completely opposite views as compared to yours and still be completely cool with you, but there are those that are too stuck in the ways they feel about a particular subject to ever be at peace with someone they feel betrays those beliefs. I’ve struggled with being shunned by people I thought cared, for nothing more than loving in a different capacity than they do. It makes it hard to get close to anyone or to want to get close to anyone, close in the way that friends should be able to, talking about relationships, issues, life, problems, concerns, joys, happiness, milestones, etc. Plainly stated: it hurts to be hated for something you can’t change.

If I’ve learned one thing, it’s that when you finally get ready to share a part of yourself with someone you care for (as a friend/best-friend), no matter how many times you mentally prepare yourself saying, “they either accept you or they don’t”; the loss of someone who you thought actually cared about you more than the differences you have never hurts any less and I’ve lost good friends because of this. It’s not something about myself that I can change, not over time, not ever. It’s not like losing weight, you can’t just drop it. You don’t choose who you love, and being attracted to the same sex is no exception to that.

Every experience with this, however awful, has made me stronger and more resilient; I can bounce back faster than most. I still care too much and I still fear that people, at the end of the day, will want to change who I am or will choose to remove themselves from my life, but I’m not afraid to be myself anymore. There comes a time in your life when you become truly comfortable in your own skin, so much so that you stop trying to hide certain parts of you.. and you just hope that the people who care about you, will care enough not to let those differences drive you apart and that someday they may even love you because of them, those attributes about you that make you “you” down to your very soul. Everyone wants to feel that kind of love and acceptance. If that time for you hasn’t come yet don’t worry, I’m here to let you know that it will, your time will come; I promise. Until then, learn to love yourself; that’s a power no one can take from you.

 

Best Regards,

Bombshell Boyfriend

 

 

Fraternity Initiation Weekend

I’m late on this because it happened last weekend but here goes..

Okay, so last semester I had to drop the fraternity and some of you know this and some of you don’t. Anyway this semester I moved closer and am learning to better manage my time so I thought I would rejoin after a few of the guys reached out to me. THEN, It finally happened!! (initiation weekend for the chapter I’m apart of at my university). So we all get to call ourselves “Founding Fathers”.

For obvious reasons (scared information that needs to be kept within the fraternity) I really can’t say much in detail about how our weekend went down but let me just tell y’all three simple words: SO. FUCKING. HAPPY.

There are some things I can say: We spent time together, we got to meet the president and a few alumni who are just so down to earth and genuine it’s ridiculously amazing and inviting. The chapter I’m in prides itself on not participating in hazing not only because it’s illegal but because it is hurtful and degrading to a person and I really love that about the fraternity I’m apart of. We believe in holding each other accountable but also reinforcing one another’s strengths and weaknesses. It’s like after our weekend spent together there was an instant bond that we all had because of this experience we shared. Not to mention our president told us some crazy story but I still don’t know all of my “brothers” as well as I’d like. Today I opened up and it felt good to be honest. I feel like I’ve been really open to friendships from all of them however I know it’ll take some time but I hope I can go from calling them “brothers” to calling them brothers.. STILL,  Proud to be a Phi Delt and definitely can’t wait to see what the future holds with meeting guys from other chapters, alumni, and building lifelong relationships. It just feels damn good to be apart of something.

Best Regards,

Bombshell Boyfriend

Thoughts..

Do you ever wonder what drives the universe? The people we attract? The events that are called into our lives?

I do..

I’ve always believed in a force greater than any one person, moment, or idea. I believe that individually we have energies, vibrations, and I believe that we resonate both with each other and with the universe on a deeper level than we may realize. We are constantly questioning “why me?” when something bad happens, or we complain about our lives being too boring when nothing happens, and then when good things happen we’re just constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop… and then it does. I feel like it’s all happening because of the energy we put out. It calls out to the energy that most closely resembles it. We have all been through experiences, good, bad, scary, amazing. Right now I want you to throw out all the bad that has happened to you in the last week, month, or year. Take a minute, think about a moment when you were happy, I mean truly happy. The kind of happiness that makes you stop to think, “I wish I could just be here in this moment forever and stay this happy, this carefree, forever..”, if forever were long enough. You should have it by now, that moment. I hope it made you feel something.. alive, safe even. I believe moments like those are truly rare gifts that the universe gives us as a chance to take that truly blissful moment, absorb the positive that came out of it, and recycle it back into good energy that searches the ends of the universe to bring us back the next moment to match. I believe those moments are our rewards for keeping the positive flow of energy going. Of course we are tested, there have been and will be moments, tribulations we face, that want to counteract the happiness we can have at any given time; The goal is to have so many happy moments that the few bad ones don’t feel quite as terrible. So that’s my goal, to water down the bad moments with the good ones. I hope to have at least one really happy memory I can always think about when life tries to hold me back, drag me down, and tear me apart– a memory I can think back to that causes all of my problems to go away, even if only long enough for me to just refocus and get a handle on the idea that I can control what happens to me and what I call into my life. The moments, the kinds of people, and the examples I set for those who observe me.

“The goal is to have so many happy moments that the few bad ones don’t feel quite as terrible.”

I crave nothing more than to be a good person, to align with the highest possible version of myself that I can possibly be. I hope to turn the bad moments into speed bumps and chalk them out to lessons and I hope to turn the good moments into memories that will become my strength in times of doubt. We all need moments like this and I hope you’ve discovered yours. If you have you’ll know, if you haven’t.. you will. Give it some time. I have so much love for people who want to be better and I hope that all of you hold at least a small bit of love for me.

Best Regards,

Bombshell Boyfriend

Doubt? I don’t know him anymore.

Doubt is just a word, but it wasn’t always.. at one point it was a word that dominated my life.

Like most people I’ve been through a stage in my life where I wasn’t at all aware of what I was worth, what I am worth, and really– what I’ve always been worth. Social skills or the lack thereof, feeling unworthy, not having accomplished anything of significance and my appearance, all of those were contributing factors to the weak point in my life claimed by “doubt”. I had no self confidence whatsoever. I didn’t know then what I know now. There’s no use dwelling on the past though, it’s the past for a reason and in order to keep succeeding we must always look forward, not backward. I love myself.. but I didn’t always.

Here are some steps that helped me to value myself:

Step 1: Take a solid fifteen minutes. Write down what about your life bothers you, write down what you’re unhappy with and write down what you can do to to change those things or alter them to be happy. For me, I wanted to stop feeling sorry for myself about things that happened to me or things that didn’t happen for me, I wanted to get my body back into shape, I wanted to be better financially, and I wanted to excel in my classes– Simply put I wanted happiness and these are the places I chose to start.

Step 2: Follow through with lesson 1. Make that list and start knocking things off. For the self pity part, I had to realize that being knocked down is a part of life we and it is something we have no control over, but we do have a choice in suffering and allowing the suffering to continue. It is by no means an overnight thing. I started by getting myself a gym membership. It began with two nights a week and within a month I was up to six nights a week, go at your own pace though. With whatever your objective is. The key is consistency, do not overwhelm yourself so much that you give up. With the financial aspect, I just stopped shopping every weekend and I set a goal for myself. Tough when you have a taste for expensive things, however very do-able. You compromise with yourself. Finally, with my school objectives, I started to study a little more each night: fifteen to thirty minutes, twice a week– I got a 4.0 that semester because of that small difference.

Step 3: Once you’ve committed to some “me time” consistently, it becomes apart of your lifestyle, doing what you love is the key to happiness. I know it’s such a cliche but it’s the truth. So let’s continue because by this point you should, if nothing else feel better about yourself for accomplishing what you set out to do and let me say that THAT alone will take you to the next level of self love; When you show yourself that you can achieve anything by committing to it, you unlock this entire world of possibility and had it not been for a good friend telling me that I controlled my emotions, and that the way I allowed people to make me feel was only because I allowed it, I would have never allowed myself to step into the mindset that I now carry with me everywhere I go. It’s because of this that I like to think of “Doubt” as the old me, the one who didn’t believe in himself, and I’m happy to say, I don’t know him anymore.

I truly hope you take what I’m about to say to heart because it is coming from me, the “me” that believed I would never amount to anything because of the doubt that a few people had about me and then I realized that out of all the people doubting me, I was the only one who’s mind I had to change. You are capable of everything you set your mind to.

Best Regards,

Bombshell Boyfriend

 

It’s for you..

If there’s someone you’ve been holding onto, this post is for you..

Recently I “lost” someone, if you can call it that– It was for the best. I lost this person over something that should never have come between us but it happened and I have no regrets about it. It got me thinking about how I have always been the type of person that has historically had a hard time letting people go: Ex’s, Best friends or “Best friends”, people in general, and like most of us I have been put in a position where letting go was my only choice, I wasn’t given any other option. For every person who has left my life there has been a long and hard fight for them on my behalf that accompanied it. I fought for those friendships/relationships.. regardless of who was right or wrong in whatever it was that led us down separate paths. Each time I lost one of them, the sudden change of living my life without someone that was apart of my life for awhile always weighed on me after because I carried the memories of them and the time we spent together long after those people chose to leave my life. I tell you this so you can better understand what I’m going to say.

As you’ve probably gathered, I am passionate about most things I do. I fight for people even when they no longer give me a reason to; Everyone has their limits though. For me, I will cling to the last straw of hope, I will sacrifice many things including my pride to hold onto someone, I hold on until the respect I have for myself becomes the thing I have to sacrifice. I will never beg for anyone to stay in my life; Thats my limit.

I understand that there are reasons why people cut others off and I’m sure the reasons are just as good as any; some of the experiences that led me to cut people out of my life are that I wasn’t made a priority, my effort wasn’t valued, my trust was betrayed in some way, or they were just bad for me. Whatever your reason, if you feel that someone needs to be removed from your life by all means do it because you’re probably right (I’ve learned you should always follow your gut).

There’s an art to cutting people off and it doesn’t include treating them like less than any human should be treated. Some people take it too far. What brings me to this topic though is that I hear and see so many people, in person but especially on social media, talking about how they like to cut people off, how they feel that it makes them a “savage”.

People treat you how they treat you to begin with but if you never try to reason with them or explain how you feel about how they are treating you, cutting them off isn’t the next step. People are so afraid to talk things out. I get it, trust me, not everyone will listen, not everyone will respect your boundaries and if you come across one of those people, you let them go; I support that. But don’t do it for pride. Don’t do it to be spiteful. If you do it for the wrong reasons you’ll end up hurting yourself more.

See, I want to be the kind of person that gives chances (but not more than what is deserved) and I want to be the kind of person that holds their faith in humanity even after all the bad I have seen. People can be good and they deserve to be held onto, but when hanging onto the person brings grief and grudges along with the memories, when someones name tastes bitter in your mouth, it’s time to let go but understand this:

It’s not for the other person. It’s for you..

Best Regards,

Bombshell Boyfriend.