To be seen.

This, out of everything I’ve ever written, is probably the hardest thing I have ever shared. No one is forcing me to; However, it’s something that I feel like I need to put out there.

I’ve been invisible for most of my life. Disclaimer— It’s about to get deep so if you’re not prepared to know me yet, you’re welcome to stop reading now. Go back to your Netflix, Snapchat story, or daily social media stalking. Really, it’s cool. And enjoy your night. ❤

Otherwise, keep scrolling..

If you’re still here, let’s get to it,

I have been scared to show myself, not because I am not comfortable with who I am, but because I never know how much people want to see.  I think there are levels to getting to know people and the speed at which people get to know each other, varies. In one instance, I sat with a girl at the edge of a lake, it was around 11pm. She became my best friend literally over night. I shared secrets with her, and she did the same. We grew to love each other deeply and it didn’t take long because the experiences from our pasts we had endured brought us closer together. Then.. There was a guy, he was my first real friend. I met him at about the age of 11. It took him 12 years to finally tell me that he cared about me all throughout a time I needed someone and thought I had no one. In a way I didn’t have anyone (friend wise), because I was made to believe he didn’t care and he let me believe it. He admitted that he pushed me away because he was worried as to how that relationship would look to people on the outside. Some people I can show myself to immediately, but I’ve learned that others are more reluctant to take off their masks.

See, sometimes when you’re a little different, people think it’s okay to treat you a little different. I think it’s mainly because they still have much to learn about the world and one of those things is that the world is infinite and vast. There is one universe, but several galaxies. There are things out there that matter more than what someone who doesn’t know the first thing about you, thinks about you. They don’t notice that YOU notice how different they treat you. They deny you the chance to know them, or they don’t care to get to know you. They’ll see one side but refuse to dig further, into the depths of your soul that is lying there, waiting to be found.

Each person is like the universe, because within that same person there are several galaxies. I see the bigger picture now and don’t get me wrong because I still care what people think, but mostly now it’s only those who have chosen to see me, that I allow to shape a little bit on how I feel and it’s how they use the power I have give them that determines who gets to stay. There were some things I had to experience first to reach that level, which is why I had to share the story about the two types of people I have experienced, so that you could better understand why writing this was so important to me.

If you’re going to come into my life whether by chance or by choice,  you’re welcome to stay. Be prepared for me to show you who I am because I’m in my 20’s and finally, I just want to be seen. If I show you parts of me that you’ve never seen before and you want more, ask, or share yourself and I’ll share back. If you’re scared to see who I am, I can help you move past that fear. Like with any other fear, it just takes time. Getting to know people is a scary thing because with that comes opening up some of yourself, and with that comes the possibility of hurt, sometimes disappointment, but there is also a rare beauty in honesty, in seeing who someone really is when no one else is watching. It feels like at the end of the day, when you’re really tired, exhausted like never before, you hop into the shower after a stressful day, and all of your problems melt away for the night, so you lay in your bed, on fresh clean sheets, in a cold room, with fluffy blankets and perfectly sized pillows, listening to your favorite playlist. That’s what it feels like to not have to hide yourself from someone.

Unravelling someone is a messy but beautiful experience. It’s the road you take to get to their soul that truly matters. Trust, stories, secrets, mischief, memories, experiences, laughter, crying (hopefully happy as well as sad), hugs, lots of hugs.. and, of course, love, are some of the things you will encounter on this road. That’s what makes life worth it.. the love you have for the people you have seen along the way. They are the scenery that takes your breath away on your path home. They are the landscapes, the sunset, the cotton field, the night sky, and the light in the world. To be seen is to be alive. It’s to feel significant and that’s all anyone wants— to just.. matter. It has taken me a tremendous amount of courage to show you a small part of me but.. I hope to find people that I can unapologetically be myself with as well as give them that same gift, of being seen without judgement. So, when you’re ready for more, I invite you to take on the journey that is knowing me.

Best Regards,

Bombshell Boyfriend

 

..but you can call me, Angel.

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A lesson learned.

The sun hit my face just right. The breeze was light on a warm summer day. I was on the driveway, sitting down on the pavement and my eyes looked a honey kind of brown in the picture I had just taken— I was 19. I heard the phone ring. I picked up as usual. It was him; He answered in a voice that sounded timid, shy almost, I could tell he was struggling to tell me what he told me next. He told me he loved me for the first time…

Not even a minute later, he told me he might’ve cheated when he was out with his friends the night before.

What hurt the most wasn’t that he told me he might’ve cheated— it’s that he let me say “I love you” back to him before telling me. I don’t blame him. I put myself in his situation and I understood. Through his point-of-view, that might’ve been the first and last time he’d ever hear me say it. He didn’t know how I would react. After all, we had only known each other for a month and a half. I could’ve ended it then. Who knows? Maybe I did.

Someone once told me it isn’t the quantity of time you spend with a person that determines what they should mean to you or how you should prioritize them in your life, it’s the quality of the time spent. I never thought I could love someone so much until I gave myself the chance to know him. Not many people would have forgiven something like that ever, let alone within the same few minutes, but that’s exactly what I did. I asked myself one question, in silence, “Do you love him?”. “Yes”, I said to myself. So, I made a surprisingly easy decision. It’s been over for awhile, but our relationship is still the best one I’ve had to this day.

Because I allowed myself to forgive someone I loved, someone I will always love a little bit in the depths of my heart, I got to enjoy 11 months of happiness. There were never any arguments that followed that. No lies between us, because of how forgiving I was that one time, he always told me the truth.  He was thousands of miles away but I’ve never felt more close to anyone than I did to him.

The day I forgave him is the day I learned to forgive people sooner rather than later. Time passes and the longer you dwell on something, the longer you allow it to take away from the time you could spend being happy, fixing the issue, or working on your inner peace. You might be thinking, “not everyone deserves it” and you would be correct. Not everyone does, not everyone is sincere when asking for forgiveness, and still.. others will never ask for it. That’s the hardest one, when they don’t ask but it’s still there, weighing on you. Who are we to deny someone something that we one day hope to receive? We have all sinned. It is for that reason I do not judge and I try my best not to deny someone forgiveness. Your life will become better for it.  However someone has wronged you, forgive them. It’ll be the best thing you ever do in both possible scenarios. Either they change or they don’t and you can fight for them, or let them go accordingly. Just remember— forgiveness is a gift you give someone, but the freedom it brings you will give you back so much more.

Allow yourself to live without the burden of hating someone.

Yours always,

Bombshell Boyfriend.

You think you need them, but you don’t

If you’re in a toxic relationship, this one’s for you. Recently I got asked a question from one of you, I won’t say who but you inspired this post so I’m going to pour my entire heart and soul into answering it for you.

It’s never easy you know, knowing in the back of your mind that you NEED to do something but wanting to do the opposite. It’s the war on our heart brought on by our mind. I have been there a few times. And do you want to know how I got out of it? How I brought my mind and my heart to come to peace with one another?

You know he’s bad for you. Or you know she’s bad for you. Whatever the case for you.. it’s time to start thinking about yourself. Use your head for a second and ask yourself these questions: what if my mom, brother, sister, best friend, dad, aunt (whoever you know truly loves you) –knew I was in this kind of relationship? Would they be happy for me? ARE they happy for me? Would they one hundred percent support this?  More importantly, would I want this for them?

If the answer to that last question is no, use that as your motivation and let your strength come from that. Lean on your family, your friends, God– if you so choose. Leave the situation behind, think about your life for a minute or a few minutes.. Think a little further down the line, if you stayed in this relationship can you truly see yourself being happy a year from now, five years from now, forever? Do you stay because you’re happy or because you’re comfortable? There’s such a huge difference in the two. One is temporary and vulnerable to break within a second, because comfortable only lasts as long as they care for you, as long as they’re true to you, as long as you have what you have now but what happens when the relationship becomes too toxic: abuse; mentally, physically even: You DON’T want that for yourself trust me. Happiness comes from someone who loves you and if you can recognize that you’re in a toxic relationship then why would you stay.. you wouldn’t stay in a car if you knew it was about to crash would you? So why would you stay in a relationship you know won’t make you happy? No amount of temporary comfort is worth your happiness. You think you need him? Or that you need her? But you don’t. It’s just something you tell yourself to keep yourself comfortable. You only need to love yourself enough to let go of them. If they stop putting you first, try to control you, or anything that isn’t love, their love is inadequate and you can love yourself better than they can.

I brought my heart to terms with my mind by awakening inside of myself what no one else could ever take away from me; the protective instincts I have over those I love, and I turned myself into one of those people, someone I love; I started to work on me, doing things I loved, I literally ripped myself out of my comfort zone, I up and moved, there were nights I just wanted to go back home and give up. My situation was just having to deal with moving on from someone who cheated on me, but it’s scary because I have witnessed abusive relationships both mentally and physically and I can’t imagine. So do me a favor.. no, better yet do yourSELF a favor.. find a way to fall in love with yourself and your life. Turn yourself into a person your loved ones would be proud of and when that happens, I promise you that the light inside of you, your beacon.. it’ll call out to the person who will treat you right, who will love you unconditionally like you will one day do in return for them. Keep this in the back of your mind and let it be the hope you hang on to when you think of breaking down because better things are coming.

Best Regards,

Bombshell Boyfriend.

 

“Hope is the only thing stronger than fear.” -The Hunger Games: Catching Fire

Ocean soul

How would I describe Fire?  There’s something ancient about it.  When it flickers over the earth, it burns hot and destroys everything in it’s path, homes, memories, lives, but at the opposite end of the earth that same fire burning brings the nourishment to the earth that it needs to thrive again and still in other parts of the world it brings warmth into fire places in homes that need it to survive during brutal winters. Fire doesn’t know it burns hot, it just does and it’s up to the individual to know to keep their distance. It is pure and destructive, a beauty which is unequivocally unparalleled except by that which mirrors it; the ocean.

How would I describe the Ocean? Vast. Deep. Fluid enough to never be contained by man yet strong enough to carry fleets of ships, and on the other side of the world, it is creating storms ferocious enough to rip apart those same fleets in the blink of an eye. I don’t need anyone, I never have, but like the ocean my soul craves someone to calm its storms. When I think of the ocean whose very depths harbor the lives of men who couldn’t withstand the storms, men who didn’t belong on its waters, I think of my soul again because the ocean is not unlike my soul that has tried to love men who didn’t belong there. There is something nurturing about it, yet something so destructive. It belongs to no one but those it allows inside. That is not for everyone to understand, yet those who do, they know that underneath the storms and the waves, there is a calmness, a beauty, and treasures waiting to be claimed. Somewhere along the way, waiting for the soul of the person seeking to find me, I lost myself.. and I started pushing people away much like the ocean, and it is for that reason I have an Ocean Soul.

The thing is, a really good friend once told me, “you can stay guarded and have walls up, but not so many that you can’t literally live your life”, she’s right because the waves of protection I let keep out the bad are the same waves I use to keep out the good. They do not see good and they do not see evil. They keep everything out and if we seek to progress from what we think we know, we have to allow in everything because at the end of the day it isn’t protection we crave, it is feeling, it is loving and being loved, and knowing that if we do endure pain, we will be happy again despite it.

“You will be happy again, I promise.”- Red Riding Hood (2011)

Best Regards,

Bombshell Boyfriend

Your time will come.

Everyone has something about them that they struggle with. Some people have issues with their weight, some people with their quirky personalities; they just don’t seem to fit in.

When I was in high school, I had this friend and at the time I was only beginning to understand the part of myself that I would struggle with for the next several years and still do some days, not because I don’t accept myself or love myself, because I definitely do (now), but because being different in the way that I am different makes it hard to get close to people.

People are so opinionated which is fine because there are people that can have completely opposite views as compared to yours and still be completely cool with you, but there are those that are too stuck in the ways they feel about a particular subject to ever be at peace with someone they feel betrays those beliefs. For me it’s been homosexuality, thats what I’ve struggled with, being shunned by people I thought cared, for nothing more than loving the same sex. It makes it hard to get close to anyone or to want to get close to anyone, close in the way that friends should be able to, talking about relationships, issues, life, problems, concerns, joys, happiness, milestones, etc. Plainly stated: it hurts.

If I’ve learned one thing, it’s that when you finally get ready to share a part of yourself with someone you care for (as a friend/best-friend), no matter how many times you mentally prepare yourself saying, “they either accept you or they don’t”; the loss of someone who you thought actually cared about you more than the differences you have, well it never hurts any less and I’ve lost good friends because of this. It’s not something about myself that I can change, not over time, not ever. It’s not like losing weight, you can’t just drop it. You don’t choose who you love, and being attracted to the same sex is no exception to that.

Every experience with this, however awful, has made me stronger and more resilient; I can bounce back faster than most. I still care too much and I still fear that people, at the end of the day, will want to change who I am or will choose to remove themselves from my life, but I’m not afraid to be myself anymore. There comes a time in your life when you become truly comfortable in your own skin, so much so that you stop trying to hide certain parts of you.. and you just hope that the people who care about you, will care enough not to let those differences drive you apart and that someday they may even love you because of them, those attributes about you that make you “you” down to your very soul. Everyone wants to feel that kind of love and acceptance. If that time for you hasn’t come yet don’t worry, I’m here to let you know that it will, your time will come; I promise. Until then, learn to love yourself; that’s a power no one can take from you.

 

Best Regards,

Bombshell Boyfriend

 

 

“I see the best in people..”

So the other day someone asked me, “what do you think are your best and worst qualities?”. My answer was the same for both..

Those who really know me would say that I’m non-judgemental and that’s true. I like to look at the best in every situation but let me go further into detail because if I don’t several of you will misconstrue that and say that I’m naive but thats not the case because while I do see the best in people, I also see the worst. I just weigh one with the other and if the good outweighs the bad, then to me, that makes the good I do see in someone worth fighting for. I am the kind of person that likes to see the world for what it can be, not for what it is. I do the same with people; I see them for who they can be not for who they are. I really believe I’m not the only one who thinks this way either. This can be both so positive and constructive, yet can also cause so much self-destruction. The difference is the amount of control we have over this quality of ours. (I’m talking to you, because chances are if you’re still reading this, we are the same in this way).

It starts off with someone else, usually someone who means something to you because if they didn’t then you wouldn’t give them a chance in the first place. Some of the most common situations that happen are: they blow you off when you had plans, they misguide your trust and use it to gossip about you in some way –for example trusting someone with something and they turn around and go tell someone else, or maybe they only start showing up to your plans when they need a favor.  These all snowball into bigger issues later. Being blown off by this person becomes something you get used to. You gossip about them to feel better about them doing it to you and tell yourself that that is a normal friendship. Finally, they use you and do so until you realize whats happening and at this point it probably hasn’t been a friendship for awhile or.. it never was.

Let me clarify a few things: when I say “blow you off” I don’t mean that they let you know your plans are going to have to be rescheduled because real friends do that, when I say “they will misguide your trust” I mean they will take the most personal situations and manipulate them to humiliate you, and when I say “they use you” I don’t mean you helping a friend in need because all of us SHOULD do that. I’m talking about when they abuse you and never give back so much as a listening ear in exchange when you need a friend.

So my answer to the question was, “I see the best in people”, that is my best and worst quality. For the remainder of that conversation I flashed back to every person I believed in when everything said not to, and I thought about how they have come such a long way and have helped me grow alongside them and pushed me to better myself, and then I thought of those who exhausted my soul and only took from me to the point that if I didn’t drop them from my life, I would have nothing, I wouldn’t be this happy and I would not be fighting to give myself the fantastic life that I crave so much.

Be weary of this quality and don’t let others take advantage of you for it, if you possess it. But also remember to see the good in people and the good in the world because for what it’s worth. I have seen and experienced terrible things, and I have seen and experienced wonderful things and both have come from people I trusted and people I didn’t think I’d ever be able to trust in the first place, or trust again. And if you were to guess which experience came from which kind of person.. your answers would be so wrong. Always take a chance on someone because you might be the light that brings them out of the dark. For me those people were then and are still K.P. and Z.M. , my two very best friends.. They saw the best in me.

Best Regards,

Bombshell Boyfriend.

Inspired by conversations with @Mtmsky on Insta 💗

Fraternity Initiation Weekend

I’m late on this because it happened last weekend but here goes..

Okay, so last semester I had to drop the fraternity and some of you know this and some of you don’t, but you can read some about it in my blog post  here. Anyway this semester I moved closer and am learning to better manage my time so I thought I would rejoin after a few of the guys reached out to me. THEN, It finally happened!! (initiation weekend for the chapter I’m apart of at my university). So we all get to call ourselves “Founding Fathers”.

For obvious reasons (scared information that needs to be kept within the fraternity) I really can’t say much in detail about how our weekend went down but let me just tell y’all three simple words: SO. FUCKING. HAPPY.

There are some things I can say: We spent time together, we got to meet the president and a few alumni who are just so down to earth and genuine it’s ridiculously amazing and inviting. The chapter I’m in prides itself on not participating in hazing not only because it’s illegal but because it is hurtful and degrading to a person and I really love that about the fraternity I’m apart of. We believe in holding each other accountable but also reinforcing one another’s strengths and weaknesses. It’s like after our weekend spent together there was an instant bond that we all had because of this experience we shared.Not to mention our president told us some crazy story but I still don’t know all of my “brothers” as well as I’d like. Today I opened up and it felt good to be honest. I feel like I’ve been really open to friendships from all of them however I know it’ll take some time but I hope I can go from calling them “brothers” to calling them brothers.. STILL,  Proud to be a Phi Delt and definitely can’t wait to see what the future holds with meeting guys from other chapters, alumni, and building lifelong relationships. It just feels damn good to be apart of something.

Best Regards,

Bombshell Boyfriend

Back on Track

It’s time to get this body on track.

So last month I was doing absolutely no exercise. On Feb. 4th, my aunt signed me up for a 15k with her (thats 9.3 miles for those of you who don’t know and don’t worry I didn’t know either before I ran it). So anyways, the weekend right BEFORE (I know, idk how I committed to this being so out of shape haha) I decided to just go for it, as far as possible without stopping to see if I was in over my head or not. I threw my Nike’s on one afternoon and hit the ground running, quite literally.

Results: I made it 4 miles that afternoon. The next three days I rested, then I tried again and I hit 8 miles.

GOD. I felt like I was dying and y’all don’t understand I used to be SO in shape. I could run 8 miles a day.

Race day came; I made it. 9.3 miles down and because I ran it with my aunt and we kept it at a slow pace we finished in 02:20:17 time, something like that.. but we were both so proud of ourselves for running our first ever “k”. The Hot Chocolate 15k in Dallas is what we did. It was so much fun that the following weekend I started running again, I ran another 14 miles between Saturday and Sunday. Then this weekend I ran 16 miles between Saturday and Sunday, and during the week I attended two yoga sessions. I have a packed schedule as it is but my health matters to me and my body matters to me. I am going on three weeks into my commitment of running and yoga, so we’ll see where this takes me. I’ll post before and after pics when I can tell a difference. Cleansing my diet- what I eat and how I eat- is next on the list.

Best Regards,

Bombshell Boyfriend.

Thoughts..

Do you ever wonder what drives the universe? The people we attract? The events that are called into our lives?

I do..

I’ve always believed in a force greater than any one person, moment, or idea. I believe that individually we have energies, vibrations, and I believe that we resonate both with each other and with the universe on a deeper level than we may realize. We are constantly questioning “why me?” when something bad happens, or we complain about our lives being too boring when nothing happens, and then when good things happen were just constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop… and then it does. I feel like it’s all happening because of the energy we put out. It calls out to the energy that most closely resembles it. We have all been through experiences, good, bad, scary, amazing. Right now I want you to throw out all the bad that has happened to you in the last week, month, or year. Take a minute, think about a moment when you were happy, I mean truly happy. The kind of happiness that makes you stop to think, “I wish I could just be here in this moment forever and stay this happy, this carefree, forever..”, if forever were long enough. You should have it by now, that moment. I hope it made you feel something.. alive, safe even. I believe moments like those are truly rare gifts that the universe gives us as a chance to take that truly blissful moment, absorb the positive that came out of it, and recycle it back into good energy that searches the ends of the universe to bring us back the next moment to match our gift. I believe those  moments are our rewards for keeping the positive flow of energy going. Of course we are tested, there have been and will be moments, tribulations we face that want to counteract the happiness we can have at any given time; The goal is to have so many happy moments that the few bad ones don’t feel quite as terrible. So that’s my goal, to water down the bad moments with hella good ones. I hope to have at least one really happy memory I can always think about when life tries to hold me back, drag me down, and tear me apart– a memory I can think back to that causes all of my problems to go away, even if only long enough for me to just refocus and get a handle on the idea that I can control what happens to me and what I call into my life. The moments, the kinds of people, and the examples I set for those who observe me.

The goal is to have so many happy moments that the few bad ones don’t feel quite as terrible.

I crave nothing more than to be a good person, to align with the highest possible version of myself that I can possibly be. I hope to turn the bad moments into speed bumps and chalk them out to lessons and I hope to turn the good moments into memories that will become my strength in times of doubt. We all need moments like this and I hope you have discovered yours. If you have you’ll know, if you haven’t.. you will. Give it some time. I have so much love for people who want to be better and I hope you all hold the smallest bit of love for me.

Best Regards,

Bombshell Boyfriend

Hey Better Body? I’m Coming For You.

I guess you need some background first so you understand how you know you can believe what I’m about to say is true. Improvement starts with health. A healthy attitude, mind, and body. Taking care of myself has always felt good and it gives me a sense of purpose and that doesn’t make me an expert and I don’t claim to be, however what I’m saying can be put to the test, which I challenge you to do once you’ve read this.

Background:

Up until two weeks ago I didn’t take care of my body like I had early last year. I got busy with school, work, life in general and don’t get me wrong I didn’t drop everything immediately but I did slowly start de-prioritizing that which mattered most to me– my body and health. Until my recent move I didn’t have much time to focus on working out, eating right, or getting enough sleep. I was driving hours and hours a day to and from work and school and that really took up all of my time. As of about three weeks ago I have been settling in and I have so much more time, but before that (about a month ago), a relative of mine signed me up for a 15K so we could run together. She’s been running since about June of 2016 now and I’m telling y’all, in that time she went from running three miles maybe once every two weeks to running 18 miles a week. She’s doing great and my purpose for telling you guys about her is that three years ago years ago she was having health issues start to come up, I’m talking left and right. She hated spending time with her doctors which included only about two visits but they made recommendations. She changed her diet, cut out alcohol, went on a 6 month “no alcohol” kick, on top of that she added yoga in the evenings after work, since June of last year she has added the running I told y’all about. She’s in her late 30’s and she looks 27, (I hope I look THAT good when I’m her age) she has slimmed down and she has so much more energy, trust me it’s not just good genes, she changed her lifestyle.

Her change has motivated me to get back on the road to a better body. I mean appearance, I mean muscle, but most importantly, I mean health. I want to feel good about myself again. So I have literally hit the ground running. In the last three weeks I have put in a total of 26 miles. For someone who hasn’t ran in 6 months and didn’t train for the 15k, I’d say I’m doing well! I bought hella groceries today before my seven mile run/walk, all organic and fresh veggies and fresh cut meat. I am so excited to start this journey towards my better body and I encourage each of you to do a little something for the benefit of your health each day: walk a mile, run a mile, eat a meal that you spend time cooking, it doesn’t matter where you buy your ingredients from initially, just that you eat a home cooked meal every now and then (baby steps). It will improve your life. Personally I’m glad I’ve given up fast food because I feel better already and I’m only three weeks into my commitment. I wish y’all the best  on your journey to a better (insert the improvement you’re seeking here), and I hope you share your progress with me. I’ll post progress pictures once I think to myself, “Damn, you look good naked”, It’ll happen, I’m coming for my better body. Haha, BET.

Best Regards,

Bombshell Boyfriend