This, out of everything I’ve ever written, is probably the hardest thing I have ever shared. No one is forcing me to; However, it’s something that I feel like I need to put out there.
I’ve been invisible for most of my life. Disclaimer— It’s about to get deep so if you’re not prepared to know me yet, you’re welcome to stop reading now. Go back to your Netflix, Snapchat story, or daily social media stalking. Really, it’s cool. And enjoy your night. ❤
Otherwise, keep scrolling..
If you’re still here, let’s get to it,
I have been scared to show myself, not because I am not comfortable with who I am, but because I never know how much people want to see. I think there are levels to getting to know people and the speed at which people get to know each other, varies. In one instance, I sat with a girl at the edge of a lake, it was around 11pm. She became my best friend literally over night. I shared secrets with her, and she did the same. We grew to love each other deeply and it didn’t take long because the experiences from our pasts we had endured brought us closer together. Then.. There was a guy, he was my first real friend. I met him at about the age of 11. It took him 12 years to finally tell me that he cared about me all throughout a time I needed someone and thought I had no one. In a way I didn’t have anyone (friend wise), because I was made to believe he didn’t care and he let me believe it. He admitted that he pushed me away because he was worried as to how that relationship would look to people on the outside. Some people I can show myself to immediately, but I’ve learned that others are more reluctant to take off their masks.
See, sometimes when you’re a little different, people think it’s okay to treat you a little different. I think it’s mainly because they still have much to learn about the world and one of those things is that the world is infinite and vast. There is one universe, but several galaxies. There are things out there that matter more than what someone who doesn’t know the first thing about you, thinks about you. They don’t notice that YOU notice how different they treat you. They deny you the chance to know them, or they don’t care to get to know you. They’ll see one side but refuse to dig further, into the depths of your soul that is lying there, waiting to be found.
Each person is like the universe, because within that same person there are several galaxies. I see the bigger picture now and don’t get me wrong because I still care what people think, but mostly now it’s only those who have chosen to see me, that I allow to shape a little bit on how I feel and it’s how they use the power I have give them that determines who gets to stay. There were some things I had to experience first to reach that level, which is why I had to share the story about the two types of people I have experienced, so that you could better understand why writing this was so important to me.
If you’re going to come into my life whether by chance or by choice, you’re welcome to stay. Be prepared for me to show you who I am because I’m in my 20’s and finally, I just want to be seen. If I show you parts of me that you’ve never seen before and you want more, ask, or share yourself and I’ll share back. If you’re scared to see who I am, I can help you move past that fear. Like with any other fear, it just takes time. Getting to know people is a scary thing because with that comes opening up some of yourself, and with that comes the possibility of hurt, sometimes disappointment, but there is also a rare beauty in honesty, in seeing who someone really is when no one else is watching. It feels like at the end of the day, when you’re really tired, exhausted like never before, you hop into the shower after a stressful day, and all of your problems melt away for the night, so you lay in your bed, on fresh clean sheets, in a cold room, with fluffy blankets and perfectly sized pillows, listening to your favorite playlist. That’s what it feels like to not have to hide yourself from someone.
Unravelling someone is a messy but beautiful experience. It’s the road you take to get to their soul that truly matters. Trust, stories, secrets, mischief, memories, experiences, laughter, crying (hopefully happy as well as sad), hugs, lots of hugs.. and, of course, love, are some of the things you will encounter on this road. That’s what makes life worth it.. the love you have for the people you have seen along the way. They are the scenery that takes your breath away on your path home. They are the landscapes, the sunset, the cotton field, the night sky, and the light in the world. To be seen is to be alive. It’s to feel significant and that’s all anyone wants— to just.. matter. It has taken me a tremendous amount of courage to show you a small part of me but.. I hope to find people that I can unapologetically be myself with as well as give them that same gift, of being seen without judgement. So, when you’re ready for more, I invite you to take on the journey that is knowing me.
..but you can call me, Angel.